Time for the change over

So it's the last day of this year and I am glad to see it leave.  It's been horrid.  I already said I don't normally buy in to the whole new year thing, it's all just time the same as the rest but I am using this as a line in the sand.  I have already made the odd few changes and have been gearing myself up for this instead of trying to just change in one night.  And the changes are not all going to be happening in the morning, they will be over time.

I already have a comeback burlesque act idea and have been working it over in my head last night.  I think I have a track blend picked out and some costume thoughts.  It involves a lot of glitter and starts by me shedding off regular, everyday clothing to become 'shiny' again.  I have also had a more deep and somber act in mind about picking up the broken parts to rebuild yourself.  The act I was working on before I fell apart is still there on the back burner too, that is about being built back up by people who care about you after cunts knocked you down.  I hope to hit the stage for my next show in February.

I got on the scales and as of the final day of 2016 I am 14st 10.6lbs.  Very bad to say I am only 5ft tall.  I don't feel like me when I look at myself and it's all the depression through the year that has done this to me.  Well it can just turn around a fuck right off.

I am only going to get on the scales once a month, I am not after a fast loss, just as long as it goes away and I start to feel like I'm in my own body again.  I am used to being at around 10 - 11 st and would like to be a bit less, I would like to be more around the 8 - 9 st mark.  I have been there before and felt very light and nimble, I liked it and it would be nice to get back there eventually but I don't realistically feel like that will happen.  Just to be back how I have been most of my life would be great at this point though.

Got me some vinyl :)

I just ordered my first bit of vinyl this evening (I have a few but only one I really like).  I have bought The Birthday Party LP Prayers on Fire.  Can't wait to get it.

I have also found some vegan cheese that is almost like cheese.  It's nothing like the stuff I used to get when I was vegan and this might help me with cutting down on my dairy intake.  I am going to get dairy free mayo tomorrow, I know you can't tell the difference with that, I always liked it before.  I have had quite a bit of chocolate earlier with my little boy but general eating has not been to bad actually.  I have been eating actual food and not all rubbish and my water intake has been pretty good.

As well as that I have found a woman who does the semi permanent eyebrow tattoos at a price I should be able to afford shortly.  A girl I know won a competition to have hers done for free (jammy sod she is) and they look wonderful.  Oh to just have eyebrows.

I am all set up to start going to a dance class with a friend as well starting on Tuesday evening.

Not even got to 2017 yet and the changes are coming thick and fast :)

Early change and more ideas

I said I don't really believe in resolutions for the new year and I'm still going with that.  I have started to make some small changes and moves in the direction I want to go in already.  I have decided I really need to reconnect with music too which I am making a bit of a start with.  I plan to start a proper vinyl collection too.  All my music has always been on tape when I was younger then CD and on to MP3 in recent years but I love vinyl.  I have very few records and they are not ones I really love, this has to change.

I have started on booking my burlesque show dates for the full year and am doing all of them for charity.  Last year I did 4 shows but I am upping the game to 8 this year and I have re-branded with a new logo I made myself and I love it and a blog site.  I am going to get more organised and set things for the shows up in advance as well as doing some proper promotional work.  I will make a good name in burlesque even if it kills me.

I have started to change a few things that I eat.  I lost a lot without even trying when I turned vegan.  I was vegan for 3 years and had never been so healthy...until the cheese found me.  So I have changed to vegan alternatives for butter and milk so far and am drinking more fruit tea in place of regular tea.  I am still not eating that well but little bits at a time will get me there.

I really want to say I will start work on a book as well but I am already setting myself a lot to think about and do.  My lovely friend wrote a book which was published a while back and I have finally got a copy of it.  I have always wanted to write a book and it's given me the urge again now I am reading Julia's book.  I was not bad with creative writing and should really have a bash at something.  Even a few short stories to put together would be amazing.

I really need to be going to bed now.  It's 3 in the morning and I'm sat typing and listening to PJ Harvey.  Best get a bit a spatchka.

I don't normally make new years resolutions but....

I have found myself drifting off in to a strange place through depression and it has taken over a year to get here.  I have gained a lot of weight and I have become more unhappy with the way I look and feel about myself.  I don't equate being thin with beauty or being happy, but I am not normally this big by a long shot and I feel like I am not myself.  This doesn't feel normal for me personally, plus I do feel heavy, unhealthy and sometime just unwell.  My mobility has dropped and I get pain in my lower back and pelvis when I carry anything or take even a short walk.  I used to be able to lift a washing machine alone, I cycled for miles, I would go hiking and could be highly active for hours on end.  Now I walk up the stairs with a basket of washing and I need to sit down.  This is not good and I don't like it.

I am normally about a size 12/14 and it feels about right, I feel myself at that weight.  I have lost more than that before a couple of times and it felt great.  I actually felt light and nimble.  I was eating properly and getting out and about doing this and that so I felt healthy and fit.  I could move around so easily and I was much stronger.  I am now about a size 18/20 and have trouble standing up off the sofa sometimes.

It's always the depression that catches me and I just cave in.  I sit and eat a load of crap and just don't move or do anything, I don't look after myself at all so it all just goes to shit.

Aside from the weight I am wanting to get some cosmetic makeup tattooing done.  I have always wanted eyebrows but mine are so blonde they are just see through, it's like they are not there unless I draw them on.  I really just want to have permanent eyebrows.

I also want to get more work on my current tattoos and get my new one done on my forearm.  I have two large tattoos that look good as they are but are actually still unfinished, they need some extra finishing touches doing and I want them signed by the artist.  I am meant to be getting a full new design done to show both family and inspiration so I need to get on that.  Got a lot of saving up to do.

I really need to get the house sorted out.  A big clear out and finish off decorating the hallway.  Will have a couple of other rooms to re-decorate too.  This needs doing because.......

I am needing to get started with the adoption process.  I have registered my interest with the adoption agency but need to still talk to them and start setting things in motion.

I want to get my burlesque head back on and get my shit together to get back on stage and get more shows on.

I have a lot of work to do so I am going to try and get ready for making some changes.  I don't really care about the whole new year thing and think you can make a change any time you want to really, but since the new year is right in front of me I am just going to go with that as my marker so I have a little prep time.