I have found myself drifting off in to a strange place through depression and it has taken over a year to get here. I have gained a lot of weight and I have become more unhappy with the way I look and feel about myself. I don't equate being thin with beauty or being happy, but I am not normally this big by a long shot and I feel like I am not myself. This doesn't feel normal for me personally, plus I do feel heavy, unhealthy and sometime just unwell. My mobility has dropped and I get pain in my lower back and pelvis when I carry anything or take even a short walk. I used to be able to lift a washing machine alone, I cycled for miles, I would go hiking and could be highly active for hours on end. Now I walk up the stairs with a basket of washing and I need to sit down. This is not good and I don't like it.
I am normally about a size 12/14 and it feels about right, I feel myself at that weight. I have lost more than that before a couple of times and it felt great. I actually felt light and nimble. I was eating properly and getting out and about doing this and that so I felt healthy and fit. I could move around so easily and I was much stronger. I am now about a size 18/20 and have trouble standing up off the sofa sometimes.
It's always the depression that catches me and I just cave in. I sit and eat a load of crap and just don't move or do anything, I don't look after myself at all so it all just goes to shit.
Aside from the weight I am wanting to get some cosmetic makeup tattooing done. I have always wanted eyebrows but mine are so blonde they are just see through, it's like they are not there unless I draw them on. I really just want to have permanent eyebrows.
I also want to get more work on my current tattoos and get my new one done on my forearm. I have two large tattoos that look good as they are but are actually still unfinished, they need some extra finishing touches doing and I want them signed by the artist. I am meant to be getting a full new design done to show both family and inspiration so I need to get on that. Got a lot of saving up to do.
I really need to get the house sorted out. A big clear out and finish off decorating the hallway. Will have a couple of other rooms to re-decorate too. This needs doing because.......
I am needing to get started with the adoption process. I have registered my interest with the adoption agency but need to still talk to them and start setting things in motion.
I want to get my burlesque head back on and get my shit together to get back on stage and get more shows on.
I have a lot of work to do so I am going to try and get ready for making some changes. I don't really care about the whole new year thing and think you can make a change any time you want to really, but since the new year is right in front of me I am just going to go with that as my marker so I have a little prep time.
